


We eat our demons for breakfast

by putputpotato



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Action, Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Assassins & Hitmen, Alternate Universe - Bodyguard, Alternate Universe - Gangsters, Angst, Assassins & Hitmen, Attempt at Humor, Bodyguard, Bottom Lee Taeyong, Character Development, Character Study, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Gangs, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Kinda, M/M, Mafia NCT, Mutual Pining, References to Drugs, Romance, Slow Burn, Snipers, Top Moon Taeil, Very OOC, Weapons, drug lord moon taeil, drugcycle, everyone is a little bit weird, idk what this is it´s just 2tae, ten is my favourite character, this is a monstrum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2020-12-21 05:24:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21069596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/putputpotato/pseuds/putputpotato
Summary: “I need someone I can trust. Someone brave, who will give their life for me, if it comes down to it. Someone to protect me.”“You want me to be your bodyguard?”“Sort of.”“And how do you know, I´ll be that someone?”“Because, if I save you now – if I let you live, when you´re completely at my mercy –I will own you.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> YO…  
This is a dive into cold water and I think the caption can be a bit misleading– 
> 
> First of: there is nothing unconsensual going on in this story, except that Taeyong is literally grounded in the beginning. (and there´s a bit of violence that happened on undesired circumstances, but that one was a big-ass accident, so yes – traumatizing – but no – not unconsensual) (cool, i sound like a psychopath :D)  
So don´t fear this piece please XD 
> 
> I just hope you guys can enjoy this as much as I did while writing it! It mainly served a long-ass relationship/character study so yah, let´s see if I ever finish it. ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶
> 
> Much love and fun! <3

Lee Taeyong is known for making promises.

He promised his father that he would study well in a good university to later find an amazing job and fend for his family, even if that meant making money through something he despised. When his mother had lived her last minutes on a hospital bed, he had promised that he would take care of his sister and himself. Just a month ago, he had promised his sister not to let the life he had been forced to choose tear him apart. Right now, he promises himself that he won´t let his life end thanks to a bullet in his torso.

Yes, Lee Taeyong is known for making promises.

Unfortunately, he´s not very good at keeping them. If anyone knew the reason he lies here, in a dark alley with ice-cold October rain drenching his bloody shirt, they´d know how bad he is at keeping promises. It had been a good trade, at least in his mind. Had his partner not decided to screw him over for a line of coke, he´d happily be on his way home with a thick roll of cash in his hand. But life isn´t that easy. He realizes that a bit too late, now with twenty per cent of the blood in his body already on its way down the drain.

The worst about it is that no one will know. Even the few people who care – his sister, his boss at the hot-dog stand he´s working at, and his best friend Jungwoo – will never know what happened to him. Hell, they´ll probably take a few days to find him and realize he´s dead in the first place.

Taeyong looks up at the night sky. The moon is mocking him – full and glowing down at him like a spotlight. ‘And now we present to you: Lee Taeyong, probably the biggest disappointment in humanity´s history’. He almost wants to yell ‘fuck you’, until he remembers that the moon isn´t actually talking. Man, how much blood has he lost? Seems like his brain is already failing him.

As he briefly wonders when his life will finally start passing him by, to lead him to that wonderful tunnel with the white end, the moon suddenly goes dark. Is he going blind? Is he loosing consciousness?

“Well, you certainly seem to have a bad day.” Taeyong scrunches his eyebrows in concentration.

The voice he hears seems to come from a distance. Maybe, he´s imagining it and his childhood traumas really did bring a second personality to life. No, this is real. A face appears in front of him, a bit blurred at the edges. It´s a man, probably around Taeyong´s age but with eyes more mature than they should be. He´s crouching in front of Taeyong,, his attention almost suffocating on his frame. There´s a cold shudder running down his spine and Taeyong is sure it´s not from the brick wall that digs into his back.

“Hey, come on.” there´s a numb sensation against Taeyong´s cheek and only when it starts to sting, does he realize he has been slapped across the face, “Don´t die on me yet, we still have a conversation to conduct.”

Taeyong coughs and there´s blood spluttering in his vision, “What do you want?”

“I´ve seen you fight those guys.” The man mutters and his raven black hair falls into his eyes, “Despite four against one not really being a fair match, you took on the fight.”

He couldn´t help but scoff: “Yeah, and look where that got me.”

“I don´t care about the fact that you lost.” As he leans in, Taeyong can see a scar on the man´s lip, “You took up the challenge. Now, I don´t know if that makes you brave or stupid but I like it. In fact, I want more of it. That´s why I´d like to make a deal.”

“I don´t think I have enough lives to make another deal.”

A chuckle slips from the stranger´s lips and it´s surprisingly genuine, “I can save you. Get you patched up, no hospital, no witnesses and in a few weeks, there´ll be nothing left but a fading scar and a memory. Not to mention you´ll get your revenge.”

“W-who are you?“

Another smirk, this time a lot more wicked, “That depends entirely on your choice.”

He´s panting and unable, to move any of his limbs. It makes him panic and he forgets to speak for a moment too long.

“Don´t worry”, the man throws a look at his glistening wristwatch, “You still have around… four or five minutes until you´re bleeding to death. Take your time.”

The words almost seem too unbothered. Taeyong looks at the man, finds his lips still curved into a small smile. There´s movement in the corner of his vision but he doesn´t pay it no mind. He isn´t able to – too enraptured in his counterpart´s voice and the offer he had just been given. This man could save him, but at what cost? How would Taeyong have to pay him back? Considering the man obviously isn´t a walking saint, it isn´t hard to imagine that whatever the cost might be, it could very well be even worse than death.

Then, he thinks about his sister. About Jungwoo. About the promises he made. If Taeyong chooses to die, he won´t ever have to deal with all this bullshit ever again. He´ll sip red wine up in the clouds, between angels and spend his time without a bullet-hole in his body. But they will live on. They will cry and they will have to deal with his egoistic decision for as long as they live.

As soon as that thought crosses his mind, making a decision suddenly isn´t so hard anymore, “What do you want me to do?”

It´s almost annoying, how pleased the stranger is by his decision, as if he already knew Taeyong would choose this way, “I need someone I can trust. Someone brave, who will give their life for me, if it comes down to it. Someone to protect me.”

He giggles in a dizzy kind of bliss, “You want me to be your bodyguard?”

“Sort of.”

“And how do you know, I´ll be that someone?” Taeyong whispers.

“Because, if I save you now – if I let you live, when you´re completely at my mercy”, the man´s dark eyes flicker over his face and Taeyong can feel the cold creep even in the furthest corners of his soul, “I will own you.”

He should be scared. Scared of this man, who claims Taeyong will belong to him. With his free will threatened and validation as a person in shreds, he should be back to asking himself if death wasn´t the greater relief after all. But as Taeyong watches dark red leave his body and feels his mind drift away, the fear and anger and all the guilt drown out any reasonable thought he could have.

“Do you agree?”

With the last bit of strength, Taeyong nods his head, “P-please help me.”

Not even a breath passes and the man is on his feet, talking to someone next to him, “Take him to Sicheng, get him patched up. If he dies, I´ll have him eat his stupid cat´s heart.”

Then there are two pairs of hands on his arms, holding him in a firm grip, before he slips into darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The journey begins y´all I´m still curious whether I can keep up with updating and writing or not hahahahah Please be patient with me <3 
> 
> For now, please enjoy this chapter!!<3

The first thing Taeyong notes as he wakes up is the headache. His head feels as if someone had handled it with a twist drill and the white light that shines into his eyes doesn´t necessarily help the pain. Only the cushion beneath his nape seems to make an attempt at comforting him. It doesn´t take long for him to understand that he´s lying on a hospital bed.

The second thing he notices is the nausea. He´s barely fast enough to lean on his side and dry heave over the edge. As if predicted, a clean bucket awaits him and he spits the nasty taste into the metal. His stomach is twisting and turning but the relief his body is trying to find refuses to come. Not trusting his system to take it well, Taeyong decides against lying back down and tries to get his mind to focus.

It takes a long while and a couple of deliberate breaths, until the dizziness ebbs away and he´s able to see clear again. There is indeed a hospital bed beneath his butt but he realizes quickly that this is anything but an infirmary. Not only because his bed is the only one in the room but also because there´s not a single window in the room. Much less, any kind of furniture or even proper wallpaper. The reflective metal that surrounds him makes the panic rise in Taeyong´s stomach and the nausea returns full force, as he finally remembers the night before.

This time he manages to vomit properly but he doesn´t end up feeling any better.

As the boy is in the process of wiping his mouth with the bed sheets, the only door in the room creaks open. The man that emerges from the entrance looks like the calm before the storm. His face is controlled, ridden of any sort of emotion. Every hair, every piece of cloth is neatly tucked into place. The only thing that betrays his nonchalance is the way he avoids Taeyong´s gaze, as he tucks on a pair of rubber gloves.

“Good to see you´re awake.” His voice sounds younger than Taeyong had imagined, an almost comforting and easy sound, “Needless to say, I´m relieved I don´t have to eat Veronica´s heart for dinner today.”

Taeyong has a decent amount of questions, ready in his head. For example: Who the hell are you? Where am I? What happened to me? Where is the man that saved my life?

However, all that comes to his mind is: “Who´s Veronica?”

His voice is almost unrecognizable. It sounds raw, scratchy, as if someone had rubbed salt onto his vocal chords.

“My cat.” The answer causes Taeyong´s nausea to reawaken. Luckily, the other man is ready and hands him the bucket with practiced nonchalance, “Taeil would never let me hear the end of it.”

Taeyong, still busy with retching into his bucket, barely manages a curse under his breath. Meanwhile, the other man starts to rummage through a cabinet close to Taeyong´s bed. As he watches him over the edge of his vom-bucket, Taeyong spots a bottle of water, bandages, a small glass container, a bottle of germicide and a syringe appear. He gulps down a bitter taste at the sight of the needle but stays silent anyways.

“Here”, the man hands him the bottle of water, “It´ll help the nausea.”

“Thank you.” Taeyong breathes.

The cool water feels like heaven, as it runs down his throat and before he can stop himself, the bottle is almost empty. He hands it back sheepishly and lets the other take the bucket from his grip. Only, when hands pull on the hospital gown around his torso, do his eyes widen in shock.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

“Changing your bandages.” A sigh leaves his counterpart´s mouth, “Don´t get any ideas.”

Biting his lip, Taeyong lets the man pull the fabric out of the way, until the white of thick bandages appears. As it´s ripped from his skin, Taeyong can´t help but hiss. The sting is enormous. He doesn´t think he´s ever felt something as painful. Not even that once when a horse had stepped on his toe and broke it.

“It looks good.” The stranger comments, as he eyes the closing wound on Taeyong´s side, “If you don´t pull any stupid moves, it should be healed over in about two weeks.”

A bit of silence passes, in which Taeyong tries not to scream at the agony of having germicide drenching his wound, “So, you´re a doctor?”

There´s a soft huff, almost a laugh and Taeyong finds he actually likes the sound, “God, no. I´m just a medicine student who got kicked out for drug abuse.”

“Ah, I see.” This is not fine. This is not fine.

“Hey calm down”, the man says, “I could be high on dope and still stich you up better than ninety per cent of the local hospital´s staff.”

It was probably meant to be a comforting statement but Taeyong can´t really feel himself calm down, “Listen, uh…”

“Sicheng.”

“Huh?”

“My name”, he moves to wrap fresh bandages around Taeyong´s torso, “Is Sicheng.”

Taeyong nods “Sicheng, uh… where am I?”

“That my friend, is the only question I can´t answer without loosing my head.” Sicheng states, as if he hadn´t just revealed being in life-threatening danger, “But if you behave well, I´m sure finding out won´t take too long.”

Taeyong tries to gulp down the dry lump that grows in his throat. Whatever this situation is, it´s definitely not a house party. This guy who saved him… Taeyong has no idea who he is. The only thing he remembers is agreeing to a vague deal to save his own ass. It´s a blurry memory – one he can´t recall without questioning if it was even real. All he knows is that he agreed and that is why he´s here right now. Being patched up, by a random druggie, who dropped out of school.

By the end of his little mental breakdown, Taeyong knows at least one thing for sure: He needs to get out of here. Now.

“Hey Sicheng”, he mumbles, flinching a little as Sicheng pushes the syringe into his arm, “Look, I know you´re just doing your job but I really, REALLY need to get out of here.” Sicheng looks at him with a curious expression and Taeyong thinks he might just have him convinced, “We can get out together. You don´t have to stay here. We could go to the next police station and if you lead the way, we could be out before anyone even notices.”

Sicheng looks at him with an unreadable smile, “Is that so?”

“Absolutely. You and I? We can do this. We can get out of here.” Excitement and hope pulses through Taeyong´s veins, as he watches Sicheng purse his lips in consideration and pull the needle back.

“Okay then, James Bond.” Sicheng says and Taeyong´s hope deflates like a balloon, “For your own sake, I won´t tell anyone what you just said. Here´s some well-meant advice though:” he rummages through the cupboard once more, “Don´t ever speak like that again.”

Taeyong´s ears are on fire, his whole system at the speed of a rollercoaster. He feels embarrassed at being scolded like this, but over all he´s nothing but scared. Scared for his friends, scared for his future and most of all scared for his goddamn life. Then again – why would this strange man save him in the first place? Surely, not to kill him later. Once more, he´s reminded of the deal he had agreed to. ‘Someone to protect me.’ It hadn´t been a dream, Taeyong´s flooded brain is sure of it now.

Whatever the stranger wants from him seems to be free of any sadistic intentions. Surely, he´d have some wishes to full-fill and some orders to bow down to. His brain is being unhelpful, by making up all kinds of scenarios. Where would be the boundaries? Would there even be any boundaries? Could he even say no?

‘I will own you.’

A sick feeling spreads in his stomach and throat and he´s almost certain he has to throw up again. Sicheng places a bunch of fabric on his lap; A pair of jeans and a dark hoodie. Next to him, the man puts a pair of sneakers and socks.

“Wear these, you can´t meet him with nothing but a hospital-gown.” Sicheng says, as he discards his gloves into Taeyong´s bucket.

Taeyong barely has any time to react, before Sicheng already turns to leave, “W-wait! Meet whom?”

“Last door on the right.” Is all he gets for an answer, before the door is shut in front of him.

The silence that follows is both, calming and scary. Trying not to shake too much, Taeyong pulls the clothes on and the sneakers on his feet. It´s all he can do, to mumble a few encouraging words to himself, as he sits on the hospital bed. Just a few hours ago, he was certain he´d seen his last day on earth and now, he finds himself in a shady sickroom, with even shadier people. What the hell has he gotten himself into?

Swaying slightly, Taeyong gets to his feet. He has to hold onto the cupboard, as his vision is still turning every now and then. Thankfully, the hole in his torso is numbed down to a dull ache, whenever he breathes in too much. Whatever Sicheng had injected into his blood stream is obviously having an effect and he has half a mind to be thankful. The bottle of water still rests on a small table, next to the hospital bed and Taeyong greedily chucks down the remnants.

As he pushes the door open, he´s greeted with stuffy air and an unexpected sight. There´s scrolled lamps on the walls and an expensive looking red carpet beneath his feet. It leads down a long corridor to his left and right, adorned with a dozen other doors, similar to his own. Taeyong is faintly reminded of a hotel. Even the occasional little painting is hung on the walls. At both ends of the corridor, a window is placed and through it, Taeyong can see the grey light of October. Not a sound, only the distant humming of the outside world.

He steps outside and looks around. There´s no one there and Taeyong is almost sure, he sees the steps that would lead him to the ground floor. Without another thought, he storms for the staircase.

“I wouldn´t do that if I were you.”

He looks around in shock. The corridor is still deserted as ever. For a short moment, he almost thinks he had imagined the youthful voice echoing against the walls. Then he sees it: A red light, threatening like an evil eye that watches him. Which is precisely what it does, he understands.

A camera.

“There´s four men downstairs, who´ll break your neck if you attempt to walk out of here.” The voice continues through a speaker Taeyong can´t find, “Trust me, it´d be a fun entertainment to watch but I have my orders.” There´s a crack on the line, a crunching sound, as if someone had bitten down on a piece of stone, “And so do you.”

Balling his fists, Taeyong looks at the camera, “Please help me, I have to get out of-“

“Last. Door. On. The. Right.”

Taeyong bites his lip. Whoever these people are, they´re not going to crack at his puppy eyes. He feels stupid for even trying. With the fear clutching his heart, he turns his gaze to the right, finding the last door. It looks darker than the others, more dangerous, but Taeyong knows that’s just his own mind being unhelpful. He doesn´t want to go there. So much even, that he still considers running downstairs and giving the strange voice a ‘good entertainment’ by getting himself murdered. Taeyong isn´t stupid though, he knows better.

As he starts to walk towards the door, he hears an appreciative hum, “Thatta boy.”

One thing Taeyong knows for sure: If he ever meets the person behind the voice, he´s very keen on punching them in the face. He has to push his plans to the back of his mind though, now, that he´s getting closer and closer to the end of the corridor. From some of the rooms he passes, sounds emerge through the walls. Sounds, which he would rather not analyse too much. Others are almost too silent to be good.

The destined room hums with silent voices. Taeyong can´t tell what they´re saying but it seems like whoever is on the other side has a heated discussion going on. He´s almost reluctant to knock. Perhaps, he should wait until the conversation has died down? He wouldn´t want to risk pissing off whoever stands behind that door.

He´s about to turn around and wait in his little sick room, when the door already opens.

“I´m telling you, if you really intend on keeping him around you might as well-“

The voice that had spoken cuts off and three pairs of eyes are suddenly on him. Two of them are inside the room, the third, in the motion of opening the door, had frozen in place. Taeyong looks at him with wide eyes, trying not to crumble under his intense gaze.

“Let him through Jaehyun.”

Stepping aside, the man nods his head into the back of the room. A signal, Taeyong understands just in time to step further inside. It´s an office, he realizes, as he spots bookshelves, files and a working desk. Behind him, Jaehyun leaves, closing the door and he flinches at the sound. By now, Taeyong barely hears anything but the erratic beating of his heart, but he knows he has to get himself back together.

As he looks up, a guy with raven black hair musters him with crossed arms. His eyes look deadly, as if the man had seen things, Taeyong only knows from the darkest edges of the news channels. He hopes that, whatever the red stain on his white shirt-collar is, is merely some kind of sauce and not what he thinks it is. Still, if Taeyong hadn´t been on knife´s edge right now, he might have had time to appreciate how handsome he is.

“Please, sit down.”

That voice. Taeyong shivers, the rain is back in his clothes, the blood back on his body. He turns his head and sees him. The stranger, that had saved his life. Or destroyed it forever, Taeyong remembers bitterly. Now, that death isn´t knocking on his door anymore, Taeyong notes that the man is stupidly handsome. His tailored suit strains around his shoulders and his chest and there´s a little Helix-ring glinting on his ear. The little smile he carries, so smug as if he were king of the world, yet so controlled, makes Taeyong´s insides twist with excitement. Good or bad – he couldn´t tell yet. All he knows that this man, with his dark hair and his unreadable eyes is still waiting.

Finally, he manages to shake himself awake and sits down in the chair, opposite from the man. The only thing separating them now, is the firm mahogany desk that probably cost more than Taeyong´s entire existence. He watches as his counterpart´s smile widens a little but he notes how it doesn´t reach the rest of his body.

“So, Taeyong”, he says and lifts his legs up, to lay them down on his desk, “I´m glad to see you´re feeling better already.”

His momentarily distracted with the way his name sounds on the man´s lips but he clears his throat and manages a nod, “Y-yes. Thank you for helping me.”

“Don´t mention it. Sicheng stitched you up well, yes? It´d be a shame to see a scar on something so delicate.”

For a moment, breathing is probably the hardest task Taeyong has ever faced, “Yes. He- uh, he did very well.”

“Good to hear. He is one of the best after all.” The man says and before Taeyong can answer him, he stretches his hand out towards the man, still by his side. A paper bag appears in his hand and Taeyong feels himself go stiff in panic, “Are you hungry?”

“H-huh?” Taeyong´s heart skips a beat but all he finds is the bag shoved in his direction.

He eyes it wearily and earns himself a chuckle, “Don´t worry, it´s not a bomb. Just a burger and some fries.”

Taeyong´s stomach growls in response and he bites his lip at the thought of food. He hadn´t had a proper meal in over twenty hours and he almost died within that time. Yet, he´s sure if he even eats one bite, the anxiety would have him throw it up before he´d swallowed all of it. He chooses the safe option and pulls the bag into his lap.

“Thank you, uh…”

“Ah, how could I forget”, the stranger reaches out a hand, “Moon Taeil. Pleasure to meet you.”

He eyes Taeil´s hand with a churn in his body. Props to the other man: he´s being rather patient with Taeyong. So, he reaches out and shakes the other´s hand. There´s a soft squeeze, accompanied with another smile and when he pulls back, Taeyong can still feel the ghost of his hand on his skin. He leans back and throws a glance at the man next to Taeil. He´s as intense as he had been from the beginning and as Taeyong´s eyes hush over his suit, he catches the glimpse of a gun. Wow. Great. No need to panic at all.

“Look Ten, you´re scaring him.” Taeil moans and throws the intense man a glare, “Can´t you at least try a smile?”

Ten raises an incredulous eyebrow at him and remains silent. Taeyong meanwhile, is going through all sorts of mental breakdowns. This is probably the strangest situation he´s ever lived through and none of it makes any sense. If he weren´t close to shitting his pants, he might have even managed a laugh.

“W-what do you want with me?” he whispers and it barely breaks through his lips.

“I told you when we made the deal.” Taeil says, “I need someone to protect me. Someone that isn´t scared to engage in a fight that has a low chance of winning. As you so kindly put it”, He leans back in his desk chair, “I need a ‘bodyguard’.”

Taeyong musters his hands, “Why me?”

A disbelieving huff sounds through the room and it has Taeyong pull his shoulders up to his ears, “Now, don´t get self-conscious like this. I didn´t think you to be a cry-baby. Much less: a scared cry-baby.”

Despite himself, Taeyong can´t help but pout. Of course he is scared, god damnit! He had just been through hell and back, barely surviving an agonizing death and woken up in some weirdo´s homemade hospital station. Suddenly, Taeyong wouldn´t mind ripping Taeil´s perfect hair out.

He´s driven by anger and it causes his words to slip in a tone that is a little too aggressive: “Who are you anyways, that you need to be protected so well?”

Ten moves, before Taeyong can do as much as flinch and he sees the man reach for the gun he carries. It´s all he can do to squeeze his eyes shut and raise his arms in a poor act of self-defence. Great, now he´d die just because he wanted to be a petty brat. But the bullet he awaits, never comes and as he looks up, Taeil´s hand is raised and Ten steps back with a pissed frown.

“See, that´s exactly what I was talking about.” Taeil says pleased, “And to answer your question: If I told you the whole truth, your corpse would probably be discovered in a drain by dawn tomorrow.” he snickers at his own words, “But I can tell you this much: I am one of the most powerful men within this country. In my free time I like to read and organize assassinations and my main occupation is leading the ‘Blue Phoenix’.”

Taeyong´s eyes widen to double their size. Suddenly, Ten seems like a small puppy, in comparison to this man. He had heard of the Blue Phoenix. A drug cycle, spreading across the entirety of Korea and even some patches of other countries. Everyone fears them, yet barely anyone ever knows who they are. For years the police had tried to find evidence against them, but until this day, every attempt had been futile. They´re like shadows that have no name, no face, not even a smell and Taeyong is sitting in front of their leader right now. Just knowing his name is enough of a reason for him to be tortured and killed by half of the city.

“I see you´re familiar with the name.” Taeil says with a pleased grin.

Taeyong clutches the fabric of his hoodie, “You have a reputation.”

“A good one, I hope.”

A great one, really. All Taeyong knew about the leader of the Blue Phoenix until this moment was that he´s said to be the definition of a cold-blooded king. A ghost, that never leaves a witness breathing. A shadow, which is only whispered about in fear. All there ever was were rumours. No one ever survived to tell the truth.

“It goes without saying that with a job like mine, people aren´t necessarily fond of me.” Taeil says, “Those that don´t work for me, want to murder me. Some even pay high prizes for pieces of my body.”

Taeyong gulps at the image, barely able to supress the nausea.

“Don´t get me wrong – I´m very capable of taking care of myself.” The scar on his lip is enough to convince Taeyong of that statement, “However, I like having an extra pair of eyes watching my back.”

“I´m not sure I´m suited to do this.”

The man lets his feet drop to the ground and instead moves to lean his elbows on the table. His eyes are fixing Taeyong with all their attention and as much as it is suffocating, Taeyong doesn´t want it to end, “You don´t give yourself enough credit, but I´m not your self-esteem therapist. This is your choice to make.”

A thought shoots through Taeyong´s head: “What if I say no?”

It´s the first time Ten makes a sound and it almost sounds like a laugh. Taeyong´s surprised how well it fits. Taeil, too, seems a little amused with the question and he quickly understands why.

“I think you know the answer to that, Taeyong.” Taeil says, his fingers crossed on the desk, “Why else do you think no one knows who I am? I can´t just let you walk the streets, with such a precious secret in your pocket, can I?”

‘I will own you.’ For the first time, Taeyong grasps the reality of that sentence. It hadn´t been meant in a metaphoric kind of way. This is real. If he decides to disobey, if he decides to run, he will never see the next day. It´s either this, or having a picture of his dead body in the newspaper. Just the image of his sister or Jungwoo skipping through the ‘Crimes’-section and finding his name on the headlines gives him a headache. He closes his eyes, tries to wake up from this nightmare he´s stepped into, but when he opens them again, everything is still there. The bullet-hole in his torso, the mahogany and Moon Taeil.

Taeil ‘tsks’ with a mock pout, “Look at him looking like a kicked puppy. I almost feel sorry for you.”

“I´ll do it.” Taeyong grits out, “Whatever you want I´ll do it.”

“I like the sound of that.” Taeil smirks.

Taeyong gulps, “I have a condition.”

“I´m not sure, you´re in any position to make conditions but”, Taeil watches him with interest, “I´m in a good mood, today.”

“I get to tell my friend and my sister.”

“No.” Taeyong´s breath hitches at Taeil´s authoritative tune, “If you really care about them as much as you seem to, you´ll tell them a lie. And you´ll never meet them again.”

He knows he must look pitiful right now, but he can´t help it, “Can´t you protect them?”

“My dear, they´re the safest when they´re far away from you and the Blue Phoenix, trust me.”

It makes sense. Taeyong hates to admit it, but it makes sense. Even thinking he was dead would cause less harm to them than getting in touch with a drug cycle. Just the tiniest information, could give anyone a reason to find them. To do things to them, a lot more horrible than Taeyong can imagine. And he´s not that selfish. He knows, this is the best way to protect them.

“I´ll tell them whatever you think is best.” he complies, “I just want them to know I´m not dead.”

Taeil musters him for a while, “Fair enough. That can be arranged.” Then, his smile returns, “Now, I have a surprise for you.”

Taeyong furrows his brows and watches Taeil rise from his seat. He has this effortlessness in his motions, making him look smooth and dangerous. It´s half-scary, half-impressive. Before Taeyong can react, Ten has a grip on his hoodie and yanks him out of his seat. He almost stumbles to the ground, when he´s shoved towards the door.

Taeil leads the way, down half of the corridor and down the set of stairs, Taeyong had spotted earlier. Behind him, he can feel Ten like a dangerous shadow, his eyes glaring holes into the back of Taeyong´s head. Even if he had left a breath of fighting spirit left, Taeyong wouldn´t be able to escape. Once they reach the bottom of the staircase, they´re greeted by another, similar looking corridor. He figures that the ground floor is another set of stairs down but Taeil makes a beeline for the left end of the corridor. Taeyong´s head spins, when he hears the shouts from afar already.

Stopping in front of one of the doors, Taeil knocks on the wood with a delicate finger.

It takes a moment, until the door is opened by a tall man with a happy grin, “Good to see you boss.”

“Good to see you too Johnny.” Taeil says, “Is my present ready?”

Johnny seems excited, but for all the wrong reasons. His grin is happy – pure even – but it mismatches with the blood Taeyong spots on his hands. As his eyes find Taeyong, his eyebrows rise in surprised.

“I imagined him to be taller.”

Taeil rolls his eyes, “The present, Johnny.”

“Of course, it´s all set up.” he hurries and moves to make space for Taeil and Taeyong.

Before Taeyong can react, Taeil grabs him by the arm and pulls him along. They step inside and Taeyong finds it to be eerily similar to the room he had woken up in, just a mere hour ago. The same metal walls, the same cold atmosphere. All that is different is the lack of furniture. The only thing filling the room is a table to the side and a chair in the middle.

And the man that sits on top of it. Taeyong shudders, as he sees the man. Even with the broken nose and the swollen eye, he has no trouble recognizing him.

“Do you know who he is?” Taeil asks, although Taeyong guesses he knows the answer already.

He still breathes out a small: “Yes.”

Just two days ago, this man had promised him a tall stack of money and a hotel room to stay at for the rest of the month. Just a few hours ago, this man had been the cause of his body bleeding out into the streets of Seoul. Now, he´s sitting there, bound to a chair and beat up into an almost unrecognizable state. All of it just for a line, or two. Taeyong almost laughs at how the tables have turned.

“I thought so”, Taeil says with satisfaction, “How do you feel, looking at him?”

Taeyong shakes, “I-I don´t know.”

He squeaks in fear, when Taeil´s fingers close around his jaw in a tight grip. His eyes are serious and intense and Taeyong can´t look away, “Don´t play this game with me. You know exactly how it makes you feel.”

Taeyong bites the inside of his cheek. His whole body is trembling and Taeil´s fingers feel like lit matches on his skin. The man on the chair groans and his eyes are drawn back to his bloody figure. He´s crying with the agony of what Taeyong guesses is a lot more, than just a few scratches. There´s sympathy. He feels it wash in waves around his heart, as he thinks about what the man could possibly have to loose. But, there´s something else too. Something dark, that he wants to deny. How dare he cries, after what he had done to Taeyong? How dare, he plays the victim now.

“I´m angry.” he whispers.

The grip on his jaw disappears and Taeil turns to Johnny. As he stretches his hand out towards the man, a gun is placed in his hand and he passes it on to Taeyong, “here.”

“W-what am I supposed to-“

“I´m giving you your revenge.” Taeil explains, “This is your only chance. Use it, or loose it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Taeyong use his chance? What will that make out of him? You´ll find out soon (hopefully lol)! 
> 
> If you´re a [Stray Kids ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21085271) fan as well, I published a new story with them just the other day as well, so in case you´re already done with this chapter and look for more might wanna check it out! 
> 
> Feel free to let me know how you like it so far, I´m always happy about some feedback <3 
> 
> Also feel free to scream at me on [ Twitter, ](https://twitter.com/putputpotato) [ Tumblr ](https://midnight-writ3r.tumblr.com) (where I also post some x reader shit, if you like that) and [ Instagram ](https://www.instagram.com/putputpotato)
> 
> Hope to hear from you, have an awesome time! Much love <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know I´ve been taking ages to update but I´m 1) slow as hell and 2) working on around 5 projects at the same time, for unknown reasons! BUT, I hope that you still like this chapter and forgive me if I always take this long to update hihugueh
> 
> Much love from me and enjoy!

Revenge. A word, he had always despised. Yet, with this man in front of him and a simmering, hot sensation of fury in his body, Taeyong can´t help but look at the gun that still waits in Taeil´s hand. It looks scary, like a snake, waiting to bite. Even the engraved patterns on the handle won´t hide the scary truth of this thing. He wills his hand to stabilize, as he closes his fingers around the cold surface.

“Think about it”, Taeil says lowly, “He let you die for his own satisfaction. Does he really deserve your mercy?”

He knows his bottom lip is trembling. He knows the ground beneath his feet isn´t really shaking but it surely feels like it. Taeil´s eyes are watching him. Taeyong can feel it without looking. As he raises the barrel against the man in front of him, the fear in his blood-shot eyes skyrockets and it gives Taeyong a sick feeling of empowerment. Could he really pull the trigger? If he murders this man now, would it make him feel better? Maybe. If he wants to find out, now is the moment. His index slides over the trigger. There´s adrenaline everywhere, making his whole body pulse and he looks at the man´s face.

Instead, Jungwoo´s face appears in his vision, smiling at him. ‘You´re a good guy Hyung, don´t beat yourself up so much.’

He lowers the gun. Feels a tear run over his cheek and crash onto his hoodie, “I can´t.”

“It told you he wouldn´t do it”, Ten says and Taeyong is surprised there´s no mock to his words.

A hand reaches for his and the gun is gently detached from his grip. As soon as the feeling of the metal disappears, he lets out a breath of relief. His mind is clearing up again, returning from a place he fears. When he looks up, Taeyong finds that Taeil is mustering him again. This time, his face carries a new expression, one that frightens Taeyong as much as it confuses him: Curiosity.

“You surprise me.” he admits, “Mercy is a rare blessing that people like me – people like us, can´t afford if we want to stay alive. Say, would you change your mind, if I threatened to kill you?”

Taeyong´s heartbeat is back to being an erratic mess, as soon as he notes Ten closing the door and locking it behind him. Johnny´s gaze is on him, accompanied by a sharp grin, as he stalks behind the man on the chair like a cat. He looks back at Taeil. Despite being the shortest man in the room, his calmness is a lot more frightening than either Ten´s coldness or Johnny´s unpredictable atmosphere.

Still, he lifts his chin enough to look Taeil in the eye and answers: “I´d ask why you care so much.”

“Care?”

“Why waste your time with convincing me to kill someone you have no relation to what so ever?” he explains and feels pride grow in his chest, as he sees Taeil´s pleased expression. It doesn´t even occur to him how twisted the worth is, which he puts on the short man´s opinion.

Taeil´s finger raises, dips beneath his chin and Taeyong immediately feels ashamed for the way his breath hitches, “I knew I wasn´t making a mistake with you.”

It all happens in a blur. The next thing Taeyong knows is, the man on the chair ripping out of his boundaries and jumping onto Taeil like a big cat. The gun drops by his feet with a loud crash. Johnny and Ten move to help but before they can react properly, the man has a knife pressed against Taeil´s throat. While Taeyong´s forehead starts to dampen with sweat, there´s no fear on Taeil´s face. He can, however see the burning anger run through the cracks of his mask. Even more so, as the man jostles him violently and a small cut appears on the smooth skin of his throat.

For the first time, Taeyong isn´t scared for his own life. He´s scared for someone else´s life. Not because it´s Taeil. Not because it´s the Blue Phoenix´s boss. Because, he´s a breathing human being. A person with a soul and a life and a pulse. Taeyong knows he might have done horrible things; hurt, threatened and killed. He might deserve to die.

But it doesn´t change the fact that he saved Taeyong´s life, for his own benefit or not. Taeyong is breathing and has a chance of hearing his sister´s voice again, because of this man. It´s a brutal conflict between his ethics and his own attachment and while he knows there´s enough reasons not to, he picks up the gun. His arms are steady, his gaze focused and he aims.

Shoots.

The body drops to the ground and Taeil remains standing. He´s panting – the first sign of his panic and probably the only one Taeyong will ever see. When he realizes what he´s done, Taeyong´s hand goes lax and the gun drops back to the ground. He´s breathing rapidly and his gaze is immediately drawn to the lifeless body behind Taeil´s feet. The world narrows down to the small bullet wound in the man´s forehead. The others are talking to him but they´re drowned out to a faint hum. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realizes he´s having a panic attack.

His knees give out and he drops to the ground. The way his chest is rising and falling at light-speed should be worrying him but no matter what he does, he can´t stop it. This dead man´s face is etched into his vision. Even as he squeezes his eyes shut, the picture is still there and he opens them again rapidly. Doesn´t even dare to blink anymore.

Murderer.

The word echoes in his mind and it´s said over and over again. Sometimes, by his own voice. Then, strange voices, then a blur and somewhere in between Jungwoo and his sister. He´s screaming, isn´t he? Then why can´t he hear it?

“Focus on my voice.” Taeil´s voice breaks through his consciousness like a cube of ice breaking through the surface of steaming tea, “Come back to me.”

Taeyong blinks, focuses on the features in front of him and the palm, warm on his chest. Whenever Taeil notices his eyes trailing back to the corpse, he guides his face back to him with a firm push. He has no other choice but to focus on the man in front of him. His scarred lip, his sharp cheeks and intense gaze. It takes Taeyong ages and a second to find back into a normal rhythm of breathing but when he does he´s very aware of their proximity.

He pulls back, careful not to stumble and Taeil drops his hands back to his sides. Before Taeyong gets another chance to think about the dead man at the other end of the room, Taeil pulls him to his feet with a steadying grip. He gulps, tries not to get the dizziness get the better of him.

“Get rid of his mess.” Taeil says to Johnny and Ten, “I´ll take care of mine.”

Then, Taeyong is pulled out and back into the corridor. He doesn´t even notice much of the journey but within seconds, they´re in a new room. A room that finally looks like someone could live in it. There´s a large bed, against a window with milky curtains, and a cupboard at the other end of the room. A desk, a chair, another bookshelf and a door, which Taeyong assumes leads into a bathroom. It´s a completely normal living room and he feels like tearing up and laughing at the same time.

Taeil sits him down on the bed and moves to fetch a glass of water. Taeyong takes it absentmindedly but remembers to thank him with a whisper. As he chugs down the water, Taeil disappears in the bathroom again and returns with a small trunk. A medication case, he realizes as Taeil opens it and produces a patch and some germicide. He´s about to take care of the wound on his throat, when his eyes graze Taeyong´s hunched figure again. There´s a moment of hesitation and then the drug lord pulls the chair closer and sits down in front of Taeyong.

“It gets easier.”

There´s little comfort to that statement. If anything, it only manages to infuriate Taeyong in his dazed post-panic-attack trance. It shouldn´t ever have to become easier. He hates that he´s probably being forced to get used to this. That he either accepts this as his life or has no life whatsoever. It´s not fair and the tears well back up in his eyes. Unwilling to let Taeil see him cry, Taeyong wipes at his eyes.

“I doubt that”, he croaks.

There´s a sigh, “He deserved it. He was a murderer.”

“Yeah and so are you.” And so am I. “Maybe, I should have just let him kill you.”

Despite the hate in Taeyong´s voice, Taeil´s eyes stay as calm as two deep pools of water, “Yeah maybe you should have.” he whispers and the words take Taeyong aback, “But you didn´t. You saved me.”

He´s unsettled and his voice is a lot less intense when he speaks this time: “So what, it meant nothing.”

“That´s not true. You won´t kill for revenge or your own benefit.” When Taeyong averts his eyes, Taeil pulls him back by his chin, “But you will kill for me and that´s enough.”

Faster than Taeyong could realize what happens, Taeil´s hand runs through his hair. It´s warm and unexpectedly gentle. As he reaches the back of Taeyong´s head he scratches his scalp before pulling away again. And Taeyong hates himself for finding it somewhat comforting.

The Drug lord is on his feet then, gathering the patches and turning to walk towards the bathroom to take care of the cut that still leaks blood onto his shirt. Taeyong watches him, still frozen by the touch. His mind keeps on tumbling over itself, analysing the things he had just heard. It´s all too much again as soon as Taeil is gone and he´s left alone. The silence, the walls, the dimmed voices he hears from outside the door. Like a ghost-taifun, it crashes him with agonizing idleness. He can´t be alone. He doesn´t want to be.

So, he gets up and pushes the door open, to follow the other man. Thinking about it, Taeil could just about anything to him. There´s no cameras – no witnesses, just the two of them and an empty apartment. It should scare Taeyong and he´s surprised to find it doesn’t.

Taeil´s already cutting the patch into a smaller shape, when he lifts his head to look at Taeyong with a questioning gaze. Beneath the orange light of the bathroom, he looks less intense. His hair is more dishevelled and he doesn´t feel so inhumanly perfect anymore. Instead, he looks like a man. A man, with a soul and a heart and a mind.

“I could help.” he offers.

For a second he thinks Taeil didn´t even hear his whisper but as the man huffs a laugh and shakes his head he knows better, “I´m capable of taking care of myself, I told you so before.”

“Yeah you did”, Anything to not go back outside and be alone with his thoughts, “But you also wanted me to protect you.”

Taeil shoots him an unreadable look through the mirror. He´s not just looking at Taeyong. He´s SEEING him – right through him, actually. At least, that´s what it feels like.

Then, Taeil looks away again and nods, “Alright then, if you´re so keen on helping, who am I to refuse?”

If only Taeil knew why Taeyong was being so overly helpful. But there´s no way he could ever admit to the fear he feels at being alone at that moment. In this new life, everything he shares can endanger him, he´s smart enough to realize that. Therefore, he can´t just tell anyone about the new demons he feels forming in the depths of his mind, alongside old ones. Least of all: the ruthless Drug lord Moon Taeil. Briefly, Taeyong wonders whether Taeil fears something too and if he would ever tell anyone what it is. He´s reminded of the moment, just minutes ago, when Taeil had been close to loosing his life, with a blade at his throat.

“You weren´t scared.” he says, admittedly more intrigued than disturbed.

Taeil sits down on the edge of the washbasin. The way his feet don´t even reach the floor is the strangest contrast to his person that Taeyong could imagine. There´s a smile forming at the back of his lips but he suppresses it. Letting the silence stretch, Taeyong busies himself with spraying the germicide on a tissue.

When he looks up, Taeil is mustering him, “What do you mean?”

“When you had that knife against your throat”, Taeyong explains and he gulps down his nerves before reaching out, to dab at the dirty cut, “You weren´t scared.”

“How do you know I wasn´t?”

He´s tempted to roll his eyes but there´s still too much thin ice beneath his feet, “I... I could tell.”

It´s obvious Taeil doesn´t buy his lame answer, “u-huh.”

“I´ve seen enough scared people in my life.” Taeyong whispers and discards the dirtied tissue to prepare another one, “I know what that looks like.”

Once more, Taeil takes his time with the answer. It leaves Taeyong with silence and being hyper aware of the man´s neck beneath his palm. Perhaps, he should be scared – one wrong move could cost him whatever the hell Taeil wanted him to pay. Yet, Taeyong finds himself too distracted with the honey skin around the wound and the slight dip of Taeil´s collarbone. This is messed up, he decides and focuses solemnly on wiping away the last remains of dried blood.

When he´s finally pleased with the result, Taeyong moves for the patch, “I used to be scared all the time but I´m not anymore.” Taeyong´s eyes widen and he whips his head back towards his counterpart, “I get death threads left and right and the whole country wants my head in a box. One day, I decided there was no use in being scared.”

At that, Taeyong can´t hold back a disbelieving laughter, “No use? I hardly doubt you can just switch that off.”

“Actually, you can.” Taeil says, his calmness unnerving, “Remember, fear is not real. It´s nothing physical. Nothing harmful. It´s solemn purpose is dedicated to a future that hasn´t happened yet and might not ever happen in the first place.”

Taeyong musters him with furrowed brows, as he attaches the patch to Taeil´s wound, “That sounds next-level psycho to me, if I´m being honest.”

It shocks him and he hurries to retake his words immediately. But Taeil´s lips stretch into a bemused grin, “After everything you witness and everything you have to survive, in order to stay alive in this part of the world, I think going a bit psycho becomes inevitable.”

Taeyong drops his shoulders. The statement is more depressing than it scares him and for the first time, he wonders what had happen to Taeil to end up like this. To all of them. Johnny, Ten, Sicheng… all of them were born as normal humans. They might have had a future at some point. A relationship, friends, maybe even a business. But somewhere along the way, things changed and now, they are shadows of their past selves. Shadows, more powerful and colder than they possibly ever imagined.

It gives him a dark idea: If Taeyong is forced to go down this road now as well, who will he become? A scammer? A criminal? A killer? There´s some kind of naïve hope he´s still holding onto; the idea of promising to stay faithful to himself – to not be a disappointment anymore.

Taeil catches his chin between his fingers again. Gentle, like a breeze, but full of strength and control, “It might even be inevitable for you.”

At that moment, Lee Taeyong doesn´t bother with a promise.

He can´t keep it anyways.

\--*--

They assigned him a room on the second floor but Taeyong doesn´t feel like staying there at the moment. It´s cold there and all the furniture is still polished and just too untouched. Even one single photograph or any sort of decoration might have made it easier for him, but Taeyong is not stupid enough to ask if he can collect his belongings from his old apartment. So, he pockets the key and leaves, to look around.

His borders are clear: Taeil had forbidden him to leave the building for the whole day, until they would discuss details in the evening. Other than that though, he´s free to go wherever he wants within these walls. Surprising, since he had actually expected to stay locked up in his room until someone brought him a tablet with food. When Taeil had heard that, he had shaken his head with a small chuckle and said that Taeyong wasn´t in a prison and therefore wouldn´t have to be treated like one.

“Except, if you give me a reason to.” Taeyong still feels the Goosebumps on his skin, when the Druglord had fixed him with an analysing gaze.

It doesn´t change the fact that Taeyong feels caged more than he ever has. Looking out of the window and watching the happy faces of ignorant citizens pass by makes him feel a little sick. One thing, he knows for sure at least: He´s definitely still in Seoul. From the highest floor he recognizes the skyline and if he squints, the N Seoul Tower is peaking between the skyscrapers of the city. Taeyong even feels like he´s been walking this street sometime too.

His feet carry him back downstairs to the first floor. The room where Johnny had kept the man is still closed but there´s no sound coming from the other side. Just the memory makes Taeyong´s sight turn, so he hurries to escape on the first way he finds: Further downstairs.

It´s the first time he sees the ground floor and he doesn´t really know what to expect. There´s a dark corridor, more narrow then the ones above and the end is covered by a red door-curtain. Noise filters through and Taeyong´s curiosity is picked. He slides through the threads and finds himself in a restaurant. The sight is overwhelming, suddenly very surreal in contrast to what he had discovered just one floor above so far.

Everything looks innocent and normal. Paintings adorn the walls and orange lights make for a calm and warm atmosphere. Plants are scattered in every available corner and there´s even a golden Phoenix-statue against one of the walls. There´s even guests – normal people – who came to enjoy some food.

Realizing how strange he must look, standing in the middle of the room with his mouth hanging open, Taeyong hurries to walk towards the counter. A woman stands behind it, in the process of handing a receipt to customers. Gulping down his nerves Taeyong waits.

When he approaches her, his shoulders tense as they meet eyes, “What are you gawking at?”

“I-I was just-“

“Now, don´t be so mean to the fresh meat Seulgi”, an arm wraps around Taeyong´s shoulders and a small body slumps into his own, “He´s just done shitting his pants from meeting the boss.”

Seulgi scoffs, “As if you were any better.”

Taeyong turns his head, to look at the new boy. Boy, not even being an understatement. He looks like he´s just finished a regular high school day and has to go upstairs and do his maths homework now. It´s obvious: Despite the way he´s trying to act all mature, there´s that youthful naivety, which betrays him. When the boy turns to look at him, his lips stretch into a smile and he wiggles his eyebrows.

“Wow, you´re so handsome.” Taeyong chokes on his spit, “Even better than on cam.”

That´s when he realizes that the boy isn´t a complete stranger after all. At least, his voice isn´t. Before he can confront the boy though, he´s being pulled towards one of the more secluded booths in the restaurant. Pushing Taeyong onto one of the benches, the younger sits down on the opposite side with a radiating beam.

“Taeyong, right?”

“You´re the camera voice.” Taeyong says dumbly.

Suddenly, the boy looks all smug and it´s almost enough to make Taeyong laugh, “I prefer titles like ‘cyber god’ or ‘digital genius’ or just Mark”, he shrugs and pulls a lollipop out of his jacket pocket, “but yeah, I´m the camera voice.“

“How do you know my name?”

“I know everyone´s name.” Mark says, “If a person so much as exists, I can know absolutely everything about them, if I want to. What do you think how Taeil found out about you? Please don´t say it´s all fate, I hate fortune fanatics.”

That finally cracks a smile on Taeyong´s tired face, “Fortune fanatic, huh?”

“I don´t understand how people willingly believe in a higher force and hand all of their self-determination over to someone or something that doesn´t exist. No, fate isn´t real.” Mark´s gaze strolls around the restaurant and he nods at the guests. Almost every one of them has their eyes glued to a mobile, a tablet, a computer. Every single eye illuminated by a screen, “This is real. Codes, numbers, digitalization. Humanity´s legacy. For those who strive to tame it, technology is the key to ultimate power.”

Maybe, Mark has some kind of god-complex but Taeyong finds that his words make a strange kind of sense, “I take it, you´re more of an “I am robot” enthusiast?”

Mark chuckles and the sound is so pure, it almost makes Taeyong forget where and who they are supposed to be, “I´m just a guy who´s good with machines.”

“So, that´s what you do?” Taeyong asks, “you stalk people through their electronic devices?”

“Partly.” He shuffles and lets the lollipop pop out of his mouth, “But that´s just a fraction of what I do here. Mostly, I oversee shipment of our goods and find people for Taeil, who think they´re invisible. I help in field work too, if there´s enough cameras around. When it´s necessary I delete information about our team members on military database or fake someone´s death.”

Taeyong feels like his jaw unhinged. This guy can´t even be twenty, yet he tells him he´s able to do all those things like it´s nothing. He thinks back to Ten and his seemingly hyper-natural cognition. To Johnny and his unbothered attitude at the face of torture. And now, Mark. It´s like they´re all part of some kind of elite and it unnerves Taeyong. Because, if all of them are like this, what can he expect from their boss?

“Did you fake my death?”

“No, for now you´re on a vacation in New York for an indefinite time.” Mark explains leisurely, “But I can, if you want to.”

He hurries to shake his head, “No, vacation sounds good… I guess.” then, he hesitates, “I was just wondering if you could help me contact someone?”

“Did Taeil give you an okay for that?”

“Not yet, but-“

“Then there´s nothing I can do for you.” Mark interrupts him and shrugs his shoulders.

Is this guy serious? Are they all serious? It drives him insane. He just wants to talk to his sister for god´s sake! What can go wrong so greatly that he isn´t even allowed to walk out of the building and tell Jungwoo that he´s not dead?

“Why do you even set so much value on this guy´s order?” He hisses in a wave of anger.

“Taeil trusts me with more confidential information than your brain could comprehend in a century. He relies on me.” Mark´s tone had taken on a different colour. Where it used to be chirpy and youthful, there´s now an unmistakable air of authority and seriousness, “And I´m not going to disappoint him.”

“But, you´re just a kid.”

Mark frowns, “I´m not a kid.”

Taeyong musters the other, as he shoves the candy back into his mouth, “Then, how old are you anyways?”

“Eighteen.” he chuckles – a dark sound – at Taeyong´s surprised face, “But I´m an early developer, if that makes it easier for you to comprehend.”

“Shouldn´t you be in school, or something? Instead of this hellhole, killing people.”

At that, Mark actually looks properly offended, “I´m not killing anyone, I´m just… working, you know. Having a job. That´s what every guy my age dreams of, no?”

Shaking his head, Taeyong tries to understand what he´s witnessing right here. He knows Taeil is a crazy guy – the whole drug cycle, really – but recruiting children? What if Mark isn´t even the youngest? Having Taeyong join their Mafia games is one thing, but actual teenagers? It´s enough to have his insides burn with anger.

“This is serious, kid.” he insists.

“I know, I´m not stupid.” Mark spits, “And stop calling me ‘kid’.”

Taeyong sighs, he´s getting really desperate here, “Doesn´t it bother you, at all?”

“What?”

“That he murders people.” he doesn´t dare raise his voice above a whisper, “That he leads one of the most criminal organisations in the world and wouldn´t even blink if he had to shoot someone in the head.”

Between Mark´s clenched jaw, the lollipop cracks into little pieces, “So, what?”

“So, what? Your boss is a freaking psychopath!”

“You don´t know him.”

Mark´s fists are balled on the table, with their knuckles turning white from the strength. He´s definitely angry but his voice is still calm. Too calm for a child, Taeyong realizes.

“I don´t need to know him, to realize he´s a monster”, he continues, “why can´t you?”

“You need to mind your own business, right now, or I swear to god, I will-“

“Trouble?”

They both look up to their left and find a shadow looming over them. While Taeyong feels the shivers rake his back, Mark barely leans back in his seat and pouts. Jaehyun eyes the younger boy with a questioning eyebrow. He worries, Taeyong understands with surprise.

“Sicheng wants something.” he says, still looking at Mark.

The young boy rolls his eyes and throws the lollipop stick in the direction of a trash-bin, “Did he steal a corpse from the hospital again?”

“Didn´t say.” Jaehyun shrugs, “But he sounded pretty pissed.”

With a sigh, Mark pushes himself up to his feet, “I get it I get it, hurry or loose your kidneys while you´re sleeping.”

Taeyong´s eyes widen but Jaehyun only chuckles, “You know how it is.”

As Mark passes him, the man pats his shoulder with support. In return, Mark sends him a small smile and a nod. It´s almost too fond. As if Taeyong is watching the scene through a wormhole. But the atmosphere switches back as fast as it had come, the moment Mark is out of sight.

Jaehyun´s eyes are on him now and Taeyong nervously gulps. He doesn´t gather the courage to look up and meet the other´s gaze. While Johnny is a volatile vortex of crazy eyes and blood covered, twitching fingers, Jaehyun´s calmness is nothing but unnerving. It´s not quite the like Ten´s indifference, but it´s a certain ease, that radiates from him. Wherever his eyes touch, the spot grows cold and calculated. He´s so collected, there´s no chance that Jaehyun doesn´t have complete control over the whole room. Taeyong doubts he needs much more than a spoon to end a life. Maybe, Jaehyun is the scariest of them after all.

“Are you hungry?”

Before Taeyong can answer, there´s a plastic bag placed on the table. Through the material, Taeyong can see boxes with noodles and salad and it makes his stomach growl. It´s only when the smell of delicious food really hits him, does he realize that he hadn´t had anything solid to eat for more than a day. He gulps, reaches out and pulls out the additional chopsticks.

“Thank you.” he whispers.

Jaehyun doesn´t answer and simply sits down in front of him. His hands are intertwined on the table and he looks ready to discuss business. Taeyong feels like the man is doing his best to not look threatening, yet he can´t help but flinch, when Jaehyun clears his throat.

“So”, he murmurs, “I see you met Mark.”

Taeyong nods his head, as he empties the noodles into a bowl, “Yeah, he´s… quite something.”

“He´ll grow up.”

The food tastes bitter in his mouth but Taeyong forces himself to eat it anyways, “He has already.”

That seems to have an impact on Jaehyun, since he shuffles in silence for a moment. Taeyong concentrates on eating without choking or throwing up again. It´s good food, no doubt, but the happenings of the past hours make even the freshest salad taste rotten. He wonders if this is going to be temporary or stay with him forever. He also wonders, whether the others started feeling the same at some point. How could one eat in peace and enjoy it as well, when they´re haunted by pictures of the dead?

“Taeil has high hopes for you.” Jaehyun changes the topic without much grace, “Even Ten couldn´t convince him to throw you out.”

He´s torn between feeling pissed at Ten and confused by Taeil, “If my life wasn´t on the line, I think my first decision wouldn´t be to stay here.”

“It´s not so bad, actually.” Jaehyun says and he looks completely serious, “You have people who rely on you and that you can rely on as well. Make good money. And the risks are small, if you work with someone like Taeil.”

“What´s that supposed to mean?” Taeyong munches.

Jaehyun seems enthusiastic that he caught Taeyong´s interest, because his eyes light up immediately, “The blue Phoenix is a powerful house. We´re well known and feared by all the right people. People rarely pick a fight with you, if they know you´re one of us. It´s like being an underground celebrity.”

“Oh yeah, must be nice being the Beyoncé of Murder.” Taeyong deadpans.

He feels like he´s inching closer to a line beyond fear. A line, after which there´s nothing but bitterness and his only will is to let people know how pissed he is. It doesn´t even cross his mind anymore, that Jaehyun could punch out his teeth if he wanted to.

To his surprise, Jaehyun laughs – a silent and deep sound, “You know the only actual killer you´ve met yet is Ten. And Taeil, but only out of self-defence.”

Only out of self-defence, Taeyong wants to laugh, “Yeah sure.”

“I´m serious.” Jaehyun says and his voice is a lot more intense now, “Mark has never even punched someone in the face. Sicheng has saved more lives than we´ve all taken together. Johnny always keeps his victims alive. Ten is an assassin and even he only takes out those who are a serious threat to us. We´re not animals.”

Taeyong puts down his chopsticks with an angry slam, “Are you trying to justify what you people are doing here? Is that what you want to tell me, that you´re all just a group of goody two shoes?”

“Look, I know what we do isn´t the work of saints.” Jaehyun all but growls and it sends Taeyong back into his lane, “But this is what you will have to deal with. As much as you, might dislike it, you´re a part of this now. And you can cry about it as much as you want to but you´re not even a little better than any single one of us.”

He has to bite his tongue not to let his tears out at that moment. Not because he feels offended. Not because he´s being scolded like a child. Because, Taeyong realizes that Jaehyun is right with every single word he said, even more so, than he might know. Taeyong is great at blaming all of these people but he slipped just as low as them. Even before he had killed a person. Even before Taeil had saved his life. Taeyong had never been a saint and he can´t bring himself to accept it.

He wants to blame it on life; having lost so much as a child has given him no other options. Wants to blame it on his parents, who had disappeared like dust in the wind, when his sister was three months old. On Johnny, who had tortured the man so much that he had lost his mind enough to threaten Taeil. On Jaehyun, with his sympathetic gaze. On Mark, because he´s been smarter about the whole thing than Taeyong, from the first moment.

On Taeil, for more reasons, than he can count.

“Sorry.” Taeyong whispers, “It wasn´t my place.”

Even though his words are small, Taeyong means them. He´s treated these people like a dick, while they´ve been nothing but respectful to him, even if it was in their own way. Jaehyun musters him in silence for a while and Taeyong wonders what he´s thinking about. Then, his lips stretch into a small smile.

“It´s fine, I think you get it now.”

“Get what?” Taeyong asks, as Jaehyun gets to his feet with a sigh.

He doesn´t answer, only makes his way into the back of the restaurants and calls over his shoulder: “Eat up.”

Then, he´s gone and Taeyong is left to his thoughts and his noodles.

Admittedly, the man had left an imprint on Taeyong. He feels thoughts tumble over thoughts, doubting things that had been crystal clear just a mere hour ago. It bothers him that Jaehyun seems to have so much power over him and he briefly wonders if convincing Taeyong had been his intention all along. There´s no time for him to dwell over that question, he decides and eats up the rest of his meal.

When he´s done, Taeyong discards the empty packaging and walks to the back of the shop again. Before he slides through the curtain though, he throws a last glance over his shoulder. The door is right there, made of glass and giving him a sight of the outside world, just to mock him. It´s evening now and the streets have settled into the usual and calm pattern of the evening. People rush past the restaurant, illuminated by the neon lights and streetlamps that litter the city. The sight is physically hurting him. His heart feels like it´s being pulled outside by invisible glass-strings and for a second, he considers running for the door.

Balling his fists, Taeyong turns towards the curtains and slips back inside the darkness, accepting the fate he´s been pushed into. It would be foolish. There´s no chance for him, to escape this new life. But while he could struggle, fight it and risk getting hurt, Taeyong knows that the easiest way to get through this is to go along with the stream. Knowing that that means following every order he gets and doing whatever Taeil wishes turns his stomach around. He still has things to hold on to though. And risking them in order to be truculent is not worth it.

He climbs the steps back to his room and rummages for his keys. Right now, all he wants to do is take a nap and process the things of the day. Everything is still overwhelming him and even though he doubts he will find a calm sleep, Taeyong at least wants to rest his aching body. Pushing the door open, he steps inside.

“You need to be more careful.”

Taeyong screams in shock but when he sees Ten´s dirty grin, he falls silent with an embarrassed redness to his ears, “Wha- how the hell did you get in here? I locked the door!”

“And you think that´s gonna stop me?” Ten asks with his arms crossed, “I´m feeling a little offended.”

It´s off-putting, Taeyong has never heard Ten talk this much. Much less smile. The image of his teeth actually showing, as he sits there on his bed is, to say the least, disturbing. At Taeil´s side, the man had seemed uninterested – enraptured in his own universe. Silence had made Ten frightening and yet… Who would have thought he could be so chatty?

Taeyong huffs, “Listen, just because you´re able to break in here, doesn´t mean you´re invited to.” At Ten´s provoking expression, Taeyong decides to hold back a little, “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“Boss sent me.” Ten answers, as if he´s even less happy to be here than Taeyong, “Said you wanted to call someone and I should make sure you´re not talking too much.”

“I can´t even talk to my friend in privacy?”

Ten rises from his spot on Taeyong´s bed and stalks towards him. Calculated steps, Taeyong realizes. They´re eerily silent, like a cat stalking its prey and Taeyong remembers that Jaehyun said something about Ten being an assassin. He also remembers hearing that Ten is the only one who kills rather regularly. It´s only natural for Taeyong to shrink a little as the other closes the distance between them, until he´s practically feeling Ten´s breath on his face. The assassin is a bit shorter than him, yet his presence had him looming over Taeyong like a shadow.

“If it were for me, you wouldn´t even be here right now.” Ten whispers and it takes everything in Taeyong not to flinch.

“Why do you mind so much?” he manages, his fists balled, “I haven´t done anything to you. Do you think I´m so pleased to be here?”

“I don´t trust you.” Ten says.

It´s impossible to look at him for too long, Taeyong is already starting to suffocate, “Why don´t you just get rid of me then? That´d be no struggle for you.”

Ten musters him and the feeling of his eyes racking over every inch of Taeyong´s being is unnerving, “I trust Taeil.” he finally says and turns back around to reclaim his spot on the bed, “And since he´s so keen on having you around, I´m not gonna be the one to deny him.”

The increasing distance between them makes Taeyong´s shoulders drop in relief. Even though Ten could probably slice his throat from a mile away, it finally feels like Taeyong can breathe properly again. He allows himself to close the door behind him and sit down at the desk. Meanwhile, Ten is rummaging through his pockets and pulls out a phone.

“Here”, he says and throws the phone in Taeyong´s direction, “Kim Jungwoo´s and your sister´s number are already saved in the contacts.”

Taeyong´s eyes widen, “How-“

“We weren´t sure if you knew their numbers by heart, so Mark did some research and installed a save operating system. If you use this phone, both ends of the conversation should remain secure.” Ten explains, “They can´t reach you though. Every conversation has to come from you.”

“They can´t call me in an emergency, then?” Taeyong eyes the phone with a sinking feeling, “What if something happens?”

Ten is avoiding his gaze, “It´s not safe. We can´t risk being traced.”

He calls his sister first. She picks up on the third ring and the second she realizes Taeyong is on the other line, she starts tearing up. Apparently, Taeyong had been seen bleeding out on the streets and someone reported it to the police station. When they arrived to collect him, he had vanished. It´s difficult to explain that he´s alright, when he can´t tell his sister even a hint of the truth. He repeats the same things over and over again: “I´m okay”, “I´m not in danger”, “Don´t worry”, “Someone took care of me”, but he knows it´s not enough.

It´s even more difficult to talk to her, with Ten sitting there and his eyes boring holes into Taeyong. Whenever he would scratch too close to the truth, he would shake his head and Taeyong wouldn´t dare to continue. His sister is asking him all kinds of question and all he can give her is a bunch of lies. Somewhere, towards the end her broken voice makes him choke back his tears. She tells him that she´s worried. She tells him that she needs him and that he has to please, please come home. And all Taeyong can do is bite his lip and whisper apologies and careful lies.

When he ends the call, his heart feels heavier than it has before. Somehow, he wishes he hadn´t called. Somehow, he wonders, whether having his sister believe he´s dead would be easier on her than this. Maybe, calling her had been an act of selfishness all along.

He discards the thought and presses the other contact on the phone. Jungwoo picks up right away, “Hello?”

“Jungwoo, it´s me.” Taeyong mumbles.

There´s a stretch of silence, before Jungwoo inhales sharply, “Taeyong? Is that you?”

“Yes Woo, it is.” Hearing his best friend´s voice is like the first deep breath he had in ages.

“W-wuh- Are you okay? What happened?” Jungwoo gushes, “Your sister called me and she was crying and I went to the police station and they told me someone saw you bleeding. They didn´t find you. God, I thought you were dead!”

“I´m sorry, you don´t even know how much.” Taeyong says, “But I´m alright now. Someone helped me out and stitched me up. There´s not even gonna be a scar.”

Mumbling under his breath, Jungwoo huffs into the phone, “What happened? Was it that one guy you had trouble with?”

“No, someone else. The one you´re talking about scammed me for a line of coke and had his buddies beat me up. When they realized I was gonna fight back… well, let´s just say I´m not bulletproof.”

“Shit…” Taeyong can practically see Jungwoo´s usually happy face scrunch up in worry, “Was it about the weed?”

Taeyong throws Ten a quick glance and finds the man lifting his eyebrow in question. He ignores it and goes back to staring at his lap, “Yeah… he didn´t want to pay and when I said I was gonna kick his ass, I guess he got scared.”

“Jesus, how many did he send?”

“Three.”

There´s a disbelieving laughter on the other end of the call and Taeyong can´t help but to smile along, “Lee Taeyong, I really can´t believe you. You´re a true survivalist.”

Taeyong laughs and for a moment, everything terrible is forgotten, “Maybe I´m just lucky.”

“Maybe”, Jungwoo chuckles, “So, when are you coming home?”

Immediately, Taeyong´s stomach sinks, “Listen Woo… I´m not coming home.”

“What?!”

Taeyong looks up at Ten and the man is tapping his knee impatiently, “I´m gonna leave town and I can´t call you anymore.”

Ten is nodding and Taeyong feels his chest contract until he can´t breathe again, “Wh-what? Where are you going? Why would you just leave?”

“I can´t tell you.” he breathes, “I wish I could but you have to trust me on this one.”

“Trust you? Taeyong, is everything all right? Do I have to call the police?”

“No!” How he wishes he could embrace Jungwoo just one more time, “No Police, please there-… there´s no need. I´m not in danger, I just need to disappear for a while.”

It takes a moment, until Jungwoo manages to speak again: “Okay… how long is a while? When can I see you again?”

“I-I don´t know Woo.”

“But you have to tell me!” His heart breaks together with his best friend´s voice, “What am I gonna do without you? God, I´m worried out of my mind. You can´t do that, Taeyong.”

Taeyong has to bite his tongue. He almost asks Jungwoo to call him Hyung one more time, just so he won´t forget what it sounds like, “I´m so sorry. I have to.”

“But why?”

A motion picks up Taeyong´s attention and he looks up to find Ten tapping his wrist. He´s running out of time, “Would you believe me, if I told you I´m doing this to protect you?” He´s crossing a line there and Ten grabs his wrist in a death grip.

But Taeyong doesn´t let go of the phone; holds onto it like it´s his last breath and shakes his head frantically, “Taeyong? Is there someone with you?”

“Listen Jungwoo”, Taeyong hurries, as Ten´s gaze grows more cautionary with each second, “Hyungie loves you, okay? Everything will be all right. Take care of my sister please.” he closes his eyes, to stop his tears, “And promise you won´t look for me.”

“Wah- Hyung-“

Ten has the phone in his hand then, the call ends like a tight rope, cut in half. It´s silent, all that echoes through the room is Taeyong´s silent sobbing. Jungwoo´s voice is still in his ear and he can already feel himself missing the young man. They will never meet again. His best friend, his brother, Taeyong just lost him and Jungwoo doesn´t even know why. Taeyong can only imagine Jungwoo staring at his phone with a broken heart and a mess of a mind. He´ll probably try to call again, but everything he´ll find is an electronic voice, informing him that the number isn´t available. It must be the most terrible feeling possible. While Taeyong regrets every single word, he tries to remind himself that this is to protect Jungwoo. In the end, this pain is curable. The one he´d feel if Jungwoo were to be captured, tortured or killed wouldn´t be.

“You did the right thing.” Ten says and he slips the phone back into his pocket.

Out of Taeyong´s reach. Where he can´t possibly make a dumb mistake.

“Get out of my room.” he whispers, letting the hurt and loss numb every single sense he owns.

Ten lingers, “Look, he´s going to be okay. Now that-“

“I said, get out of my room!”

Taeyong is surprised by his own shouting, even before Ten. The man looks at him with wide eyes. For a moment, it seems like he wants to try comforting Taeyong a last time but then, his lips press into a thin line and he turns. Within a breath, he´s through the door and slams it shut as he leaves.

Only then, does Taeyong allow himself to cry. There´s barely enough space for all the tears that had gathered in just one day and they burst out of his eyes in steady streams. It´s like mourning a death. Knowing that he will never see his sister or Jungwoo ever again, feels like looking down at both of their coffins. It´s all too much and his brain can´t comprehend it. He has murdered two people today, he realizes and the tears come even faster, until he tastes salt in his mouth.

He has murdered two people; the man in the torture chamber.

And Lee Taeyong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, now that we´ve been introduced to a handful of characters, how do you like them? Who is your favourite? 
> 
> And what do you think about Taeil? A guy with questionable methods, but a good or a bad guy? 
> 
> If you´re out of stuff to read and happen to also stan Stray Kids, please do check out my new [ series ](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1520750) I´m working on, there are two works so far! 
> 
> Until the next time: I love you and I hope you have a super duper nice day!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sincere apologies for taking this long, it´s a little ridiculous, but I got distracted with life XD Don´t worry, now the updates will happen regularly, until the end! 
> 
> Life update and unnecessary chit chat are in the end notes! <(￣︶￣)> Enjoy <3

It´s well past midnight and Taeyong hasn´t closed his eyes yet. After two hours of varying between hysterical crying and pitiful sobbing he had heaved his drained body onto his bed and lay down. That had been three hours ago and he hadn´t moved once. After even the last tear had squeezed from his eyes, the world around him had grown numb and calm, typically post-crying. There were enough thoughts to entertain him though.

The whole room is almost pitch black, not even the single, big window carries any moon- or streetlight inside. He doesn´t even have to close his eyes for everything to be dark, not that he would actually dare to. Because, after everything, Taeyong is aware of what will come if he succumbs to sleep. He knows what he will see. He knows whom he will see. And he´s definitely not ready for that yet.

He jumps, when there´s a silent knock on the door. For the first time, he turns onto his stomach and reaches for the lamp on the nightstand, to light up the room. His body is aching, as if he had ran a marathon three times in a row and he groans when he sits up. The knock sounds again and Taeyong calls out a small ‘yes?’.

Whoever he had expected to appear in his doorway, it hadn´t been Moon Taeil. The sight is like a strange dream; His hair is dishevelled, every trace of styling gone and sometime throughout the day, he has swapped his fitting suit for a grey hoodie and a pair of jeans. He looks oddly normal. He…

He looks good.

“I hope I didn´t wake you.” Taeil says, as he steps into the room.

Taeyong tears his eyes away and settles them on his hands instead, “No, I couldn´t sleep anyways.”

“I can have Seulgi make you some tea?” Taeyong shakes his head and tries not to pull away too fast, when Taeil sits on the edge of his bed, “My men cleared out your apartment today.” His head shoots up like a bullet in shock, “They took your belongings and burned them, so there won´t be stuff that could lead anyone to you. Or us, for that matter.”

Fisting the sheets, Taeyong feels anger surge through his veins. They destroyed everything. Having him disappear from the lives of his best friend and what little he has left of his family seems to not be enough. In addition, they had to wipe out his entire existence. Taeyong isn´t simply dead. Right now, he never even existed.

He´s just about to snap, when Taeil places a bag in his lap, “I got there, just in time. Everything was a bit rushed, so if something is missing, my apologies. I tried to gather everything that looked meaningful.”

Taeyong´s eyebrows furrow and his anger is momentarily forgotten. After a moment of hesitation, he opens the zipper of the bag and flips it over, to spread the contents on the bed. At the sight, he stops breathing for a second. It´s all here; his photographs, the two books he used to keep on his nightstand, the dreamcatcher, his sister made in second grade and even the ring he stole from Jungwoo three years ago. There´s a bunch of other things too, which Taeyong doesn´t care about as much. But, everything he holds dear, everything that carries a memory, is here. With burning eyes, he slides Jungwoo´s ring on his finger.

Only when the metal warms up to his skin, does he gather the courage to look up at Taeil. The man´s gaze is as unreadable as usually but he still smiles when Taeyong meets his gaze. It´s hard to remind himself that this man has killed at least ten people in the last three years. How could someone, who seems to be the face of unmerciful ferocity, do something so kind? It´s not much, Taeyong realizes somewhere in the back of his mind, after all, they burned down his home. However, everything he can concentrate on is the fact that Taeil cared.

He cared enough to go to his home personally and look through everything. He thought about what could be important to Taeyong, what he could possibly want to keep, despite business and responsibilities. In a small corner of his heart, Taeyong feels touched.

“Thank you.”

Even Taeil seems to be surprised with his words, “Don´t mention it. It´s the least I could do.”

They sit in silence for a while and even though it´s a little awkward, Taeyong doesn´t mind the other´s presence as much as he would have thought. There´s something calming about Taeil. When he´s not frightening Taeyong to the bone, he finds that the man´s calmness is contagious. Even the images and memories of the day seem to settle for a moment, as he looks at the ring on his finger and swipes his thumb over it.

“Ten let you take your calls?” Taeil asks then.

“Grudgingly”, Taeyong says, as he remembers Ten´s strict gaze, “But yes.”

The other nods his head, “So, I take it you said your good-byes?”

Before he answers, Taeyong has to swallow the dry lump in his throat, “Yeah.”

Taeil´s gaze burns on him like fire but he doesn´t want to meet his gaze, “You realize this is for their own safety, right?”

Just hours ago, Taeyong hadn´t understood at all. Instead, he´d been furious with the order and worked his mind through every possibility to avoid cutting off the only people he loved. Now, the situation looks different. He doesn´t know if it was Ten´s sharp orders or Jungwoo´s worried voice, but something changed his mind along the way. Bringing them along with him would be foolish and egoistic and Taeyong took way too long to understand that. It doesn´t even cross his mind that the place he´s in now, – the reason why he had been forced to make such a decision – isn´t all fair either.

“I do.”

There´s a small grin spreading on Taeil´s lips and Taeyong doesn´t even need to hear him say ‘I told you so’ out loud, “I take it, Jaehyun already visited you?”

Taeyong´s eyes shoot up, “Huh? Uhm… yeah, he did.”

“That explains, I guess.” Taeil says and when Taeyong´s eyebrows furrow in confusion he adds: “Why you´re suddenly so cooperative.”

It clicks in his brain like a grenade and Taeyong feels his mouth drop open in shock. Could it be? Jaehyun hadn´t seemed to have any intentions but Taeyong has to agree that the timing of his showing up had been convenient by chance. But, that would be too much, right? He has to make sure.

“Y-you sent him to convince me to follow you?” Taeyong gasps.

“Oh, you would have followed me just fine.” Taeil says and Taeyong´s jaw tightens, “But admittedly, I´d rather have you as a friend, than an enemy and Jaehyun is incomparably good with words.”

The information settles beneath his skin and Taeyong tries to win the battle he´s fighting with his own heart, “I´m not your enemy.” he mumbles and then a little smaller: “But I´m not your friend either.”

For a second, Taeil looks disappointed but the expression disappears, as fast as it had shown. It´s ridiculous but Taeyong feels a slight hint of guilt. Once more, he has to remind himself of who he has, sitting here, in front of him.

“You´ll start your combat training with Yuta tomorrow.” Taeil says, masking the brief emotion, “In the end, your bravery won´t save you from a fist to the face.”

“I can fight.” Taeyong defends.

At that, Taeil breathes laughter and Taeyong finds that the sound starts to sound less intimidating and more and more soothing, “I bet you can. But, there´s people out there that don´t just fight to defend themselves, like you and me. There´s people with the intention to kill and they´re the real problem.”

Just a few hours ago, the words could have shook Taeyong´s body with shivers, but right now he feels nothing but tired. There´s thicker skin on his body now and it will grow with every passing day. Even the way Taeil put them in a box together, isn´t as much of an insult as it used to be. He finds himself not wanting to fight the other off anymore. It´s weird and he wonders, just what kind of twists Jaehyun planted in his brain, to change his perspective so drastically.

“Do you really kill people?” He sounds like a desperate child and he knows, the only reason why he´s asking, is because there´s still a naïve hope breathing in his chest. The possibility, that Taeil says ‘no’.

Foolish.

“I have killed a lot of people.”

Taeyong doesn´t even want to know but he asks anyways: “How many?”

“I don´t know”, Taeil answers and before Taeyong can muster the strength to be angry with him, he notices the remorse on the man´s face, “At some point, I forced myself to stop counting. I stopped remembering their names. I stopped remembering their faces. You might find that cruel” he leans in and fixes Taeyong with his burning eyes, “But trust me, that one day you´ll have to do the same in order to stay sane.”

“How can you say you´re sane, when you don´t even care about the lives you take?” Taeyong whispers.

Taeil bites his lip and Taeyong dumbly worries that the scar on his lip might split, “You know, when it´s always them against you – Their life or yours – making a choice becomes easier.”

“I wouldn´t murder others to ensure myself.” Taeyong says.

“Don´t be stupid Taeyong. You wouldn´t sacrifice yourself for someone you never met. Much less someone who betrayed you.” he´s about to protest, when Taeil continues: “You´ve proven me so, just today.”

The words hit home and Taeyong falls silent. Despite the fact that he doesn´t like it, Taeil is right: he´s not that selfless. Even if he had the chance to relive this day, Taeyong doubts he would make a different choice. He doesn´t want to die and even though he´s not keen on revenge, sitting down and offering his head to be shot isn´t something he would ever think about either. Just then, a thought overwhelms him: Defending himself and killing someone else as a result could be saner than giving his life for a stranger.

His eyes find Taeil again. He´s a carefully structured mess of thoughts, ways of thinking and wishes that Taeyong has difficulty in reading, but he thinks he understands the man a little better now. It´s like he has connected the first two pieces of a giant puzzle and the final picture is Moon Taeil´s mind, laid out in front of him. He´s sure there are parts he doesn´t want to know of. On the other hand though, Taeyong can´t deny his curiosity as well.

It´s all a big mystery to be solved and Taeyong run right into the tangling strings of Taeil´s spider web. Every one of his secrets – another string and Taeyong´s limbs are caught in between.

He wonders if Taeil thinks the same about him. Taeyong is by far not a walking smoke-cloud of mystery like THE Moon Taeil but he has his secrets. And some of them, Taeil just can´t know. They are Taeyong´s memories. No matter how brilliant Mark is at digging up information through his computers, or how dexterous Jaehyun is with conversation, there are things that they will never be able to coax out of him. Somewhere, deep down though, Taeyong guesses that one person might be able to do so. He looks up at Taeil again.

The man is in the middle of reaching for one of the books and reads over the back, “I´ve never liked this one.” he says and throws ‘Moby Dick’ back on the mattress, “But this”, he reaches for the other one, “I can work with.”

The sudden change of topic stuns Taeyong for a moment, until he finds the heart to answer: “I didn´t like Moby Dick either but Wuthering Heights is my favourite.”

“Why keep it, if you don´t like it?”

“It was my mom´s.”

Again, the room goes quiet but this time, Taeyong finds it to be more comforting than anything else. He likes that Taeil doesn´t push him for answers and instead reaches out for ‘Moby Dick’ again. For a few seconds, he looks at the cover in silence and Taeyong wonders what he might be thinking about. Then he puts it on the nightstand and his treatment is a lot softer than it had been the first time. Somehow, it makes Taeyong´s heart flutter. It´s happiness, he realizes, at the knowledge that Taeil understands once more. That he knows why this worn book, with the paper that´s growing yellow at the edges, is important.

“Do you mind if I borrow this?” Taeil asks, reaching for ‘Wuthering Heights’.

Taeyong´s eyebrows rise in surprise and he takes a second to comprehend the question, “Sure.”

“Thank you”, The man bows his head, “I´ll make sure it comes back to you safely.”

Then, he´s standing again, moving with the same controlled grace, Taeyong had already witnessed before. Only when Taeil´s composure straightens and his eyes close up with their black walls again, does Taeyong notice the kind of familiar state they had been in. How close they were sitting and how Taeil would have only had to reach his hand out to touch Taeyong. They´d been this proximal before, but this had been the first time Taeyong hadn´t been scared out of his mind. Instead, it was like getting to know a friend.

It is so abrupt. The realization confuses Taeyong and he´s not sure whether this is entirely to blame on Jaehyun. He´s probably just tired. Tired and confused. That´s what Taeyong´s trying to believe but he knows it´s not the whole truth.

While he doesn´t feel the need to stop Taeil from leaving, Taeyong knows, he wouldn´t mind it if he decided to stay a little longer.

\--*--

As promised, Taeyong is dragged out of the comforts of his room the next morning, by none other than Jaehyun. The man sticks to a strict schedule and Taeyong gets a total of ten minutes to chug down his breakfast and get dressed. He´s nervous, to say the least, after all he has no idea what there is to be expected. In the past, Taeyong remembers that Jungwoo´s father had taught him a thing or two about self-defence. Back then, he had been out late and the Kim family had taken it upon themselves to help him stay from trouble. So, he learned the basics – how to free himself from all kinds of grips, which were the most sensitive parts of the body to attack and that entire sort. Thankfully, they never got to know what he was really up to; otherwise Taeyong knows they would have thrown him out long ago.

Jungwoo knew about his second job. Hiding the smell of weed from a person you´re around all the time isn´t easy. Yet, he too knew how his parents would react and remained quiet. Even though he spent his entire time scolding Taeyong about pushing, Jungwoo never actually stopped him. They talked about finding a different job, searching for other possibilities to keep Taeyong supplied, but whenever he went out into the night-city, Jungwoo told him to be careful and let him go.

Sometimes, Taeyong wishes Jungwoo wouldn´t have been so idle. That he would, instead, stand up and grasp Taeyong by the arm, shout at him and throw all of the stuff he wanted to sell, out of the window. But he knows his best friend. Jungwoo, being the ever kind and understanding man he is, would never interfere with Taeyong´s path. Because, Taeyong is an adult and should be able to make his own decisions.

Now, Taeyong is almost angry at Jungwoo for not stopping him. Even though, he knows he should be angry with himself in the end. It had been his decision. Not Jungwoo´s. And in no was could he blame this whole chaos on his best friend, nor his parents, nor his sister. Only, on himself.

They gave him workout clothes. Black sweatpants, a shirt and comfortable trainers. Despite the occasion, Taeyong still feels overdressed. He´s noticed it with the other clothes as well – they were all high quality and probably expensive. Before getting involved with the blue Phoenix, Taeyong remembers owning a total of three shirts that he would wear throughout a whole month. Needless to say, this is luxury to him.

Jaehyun doesn´t wear anything remotely similar to Taeyong. He´s clad in a fine suit and patent leather shoes. Even his hair is done and Taeyong doubts that this is going to be the state he is going to exercise today.

“Aren´t you scared you´ll get your suit sweaty?” Taeyong jokes.

Jaehyun doesn´t get it and answers with a blank expression: “I´m not going to be sweating much today. There´s a meeting in the city centre, I have to attend with Taeil.”

“You´re going with Taeil?” He realizes, he never asked what Jaehyun´s job is within the blue Phoenix, “Are you a leader too?”

Taeyong notes how pleased Jaehyun seems with his assumption and tries not to find it endearing, “I´m not a leader, Taeil is the only one with a title like this.” he explains, “I take care of some of the statistics and connection management, and I do the same as you´re meant to do.”

“You´re his bodyguard?”

Jaehyun nods, “One of two. You´re going to be the final addition.”

“Why three?” Taeyong asks.

“Taeil believes that he should have an extra pair of eyes on every side, he doesn´t have one already.” They´re walking down the staircase now and Taeyong sees that they´re passing the entrance to the restaurant. Seems like there´s even more levels beneath the ground, “You actually had a precursor, but he didn´t quite fit… Taeil´s liking.”

Taeyong gulps. There are criteria he has to full fill as well? How come he doesn´t know about them whatsoever? “What do you mean?”

The other doesn´t seem to sense his nervousness, as he merely continues: “He went nuts. Was willing to kill not only men but also their women and children. A blood-thirsty madman. Sometimes, he crossed Taeil´s orders because of his own aggression and got the whole organisation in big trouble. Everyone agreed it was safer to have one less bodyguard than one more case for loony bin.”

“So, he was proper crazy?” Taeyong asks, “Not just a little, like everyone else?”

A joke again, but Jaehyun still doesn´t grasp onto his helpless attempt to loosen the atmosphere, “We have enough crazy people among us but they´re crazy in a way that makes them useful – brilliant even.” The first person that Taeyong can think of is Ten but somehow, Mark makes it into the picture just as well, “But Jiyong… he was erratic. It took him two seconds in total to change his entire mood. Sicheng assumed he might have had some kind of personality disorder.”

“That´s…” Taeyong frowns, “scary.”

Jaehyun nods, as they finally reach the bottom of the steps, “We were all pretty freaked out. Even Ten grew wary of him and they used to be good friends.”

Taeyong looks at him surprised. As childish as it sounds, he hadn´t thought that it would be possible for someone like Ten to build an actual emotional connection to another person. He thinks about how it would be if Jungwoo turned out to the way Jiyong did. It would scare the crap out of him – traumatize him even. Taeyong wouldn´t know what to do. Had Ten felt the same? If so, Taeyong has to admit he feels great sympathy for the man. Looking at his ice-cold expression, Taeyong never would have guessed that Ten had anything or anyone to mourn. Then again, the man might not have always been the way he is now.

“What happened to him?” Taeyong asks, although he´s not sure he wants to know the answer.

Jaehyun stops in his tracks for a moment. It´s brief but Taeyong still notices, “Ten executed him.”

Taeyong´s heart stops and he swallows painfully. For the time it takes Jaehyun to reach the training facilities, he´s unable to move. Only when Jaehyun reaches the entrance and turns around to wait for him, does he push his body forward. He´s having all kinds of thoughts. For one – he´s scared shitless. This is the place he´s going to take. If he acts out of line too much, there will be no mercy for him. It´s like walking on a fervidly hot steel-wire with his feet bare and his palms are sweating at the mere list of things he could mess up in order to get killed.

More than that though, he´s scared of Ten. Even more than before. This very man, which he had so generously pitied just a second ago, had executed his own friend. Instead of insisting that someone else do it for him, the man had willingly killed a person dear to him. Expecting this from Ten, is like ordering Taeyong to murder Jungwoo without questioning it, but this is the kind of blind loyalty that is expected around here. Follow without asking questions and carry the consequences if you don´t.

You can trust no one.

Taeyong etches this into the surface of his heart. Takes it in, like oxygen and lets it settle under every inch of his skin. Only he will keep himself alive, not anyone else.

“After you.” Jaehyun says and pushes the door open.

Taeyong returns from his thoughts and gives him a silent ‘thanks’. There´s bright light coming from the room he enters and it momentarily blinds him. The room is huge. In the middle, a circular space has been cleared for human combat and Taeyong notes that the floor is cushioned, to prevent injuries. The right wall is lithered with all kinds of weapons, ranging from simple things, like bamboo sticks and nun chucks, over throwing stars and different swords, to gloves with long spikes and other things, Taeyong doesn´t even know what they´re good for. They all look brutal in the right hands and Taeyong is as much terrified to use them as he´s excited.

To the left, rows of punching bags and workout machines have been crammed into the space. Two of the treadmills are occupied and Taeyong notices Sicheng on one of them. At the back of the huge hall, rows of shooting ranges have been built next to one another and there´s a big cupboard, filled with different models of guns on each end. There´s only one person using one of the lanes. Taeyong recognizes Johnny´s dark hair and tall frame, as he turns to walk towards the huge weapon wall. He´s collecting a bunch of small knives and as soon as he´s back at his place, he throws them one after the other, aimed at the shield, at the end of the range. The wooden circle must be a good ten metres away but every single one of the knives hits towards the middle. Taeyong´s eyes widen when he sees three out of eight knives in the red bulls eye.

Jaehyun pulls him away from the scene, towards the middle of the room. They stand there, awkwardly for a few minutes, until the door of the training room opens again with a bang. A man Taeyong has never seen before enters with a blinding smile. He opens his arms at the sight of Jaehyun but the other doesn´t move a muscle. With a pout, the stranger boxes Jaehyun´s arm and instead turns his focus on Taeyong.

His gaze is overly friendly and Taeyong feels like he should be more terrified than comfortable. He´s dressed in the same fashion as Taeyong and he can´t help but notice the man´s toned arms. Probably a result of long hours in this very room.

“You must be Taeyong.” The man stretches out a hand and Taeyong shakes it, “I´m Yuta.”

Taeyong bows his head in greeting, as Jaehyun explains: “Yuta will be your teacher. Initially, Taeil wanted me to give you classes but Yuta was… insistent on doing it instead.”

Yuta sends him another bright smile, “I´ve been hearing about you from left and right, so I had to get to know you personally.” he leans into Taeyong, as if to tell him a secret, “Plus, hanging out with Taeil-Hyung at his conferences and meetings gets boring really easily.”

Hearing the term in combination with Taeil´s name shocks Taeyong into silence for a moment. He never heard anyone call the man ‘Hyung’. To Yuta, however, it seems to be the most normal thing in the world.

“He used to be your substitute.” Jaehyun points at Yuta, “It was terrible, he just kept fidgeting all the time.”

“What can I say, I get so unnerved when I have to sit still.” Yuta pouts, “But that´s not my problem anymore, is it?” he adds, playfully shoving Taeyong. He attempts an awkward smile but Yuta doesn´t seem to mind how forced it is. Instead, he turns back to Jaehyun and says: “I´ll take it from here, you can go and have fun at your meeting now.”

Jaehyun shakes his head and grumbles something about ‘fun’ and ‘wiping the smile off someone´s face’, as he walks back towards the entrance. In just a few seconds, he´s gone. Taeyong looks back at Yuta, with his lip between his teeth. The man is still mustering him, racking his eyes over every inch of Taeyong´s body and it doesn´t take long to understand what he´s doing: He´s calculating. Making plans in his mind what to make of what Taeyong has to offer and the realization has him subconsciously straightening up.

Yuta nods to himself, “There´s a lot of material, no doubt. I get why Taeil has a fascination with you.”

Seems like hearing about Taeil´s interest in him is going to become a habit Taeyong won´t be able to shake. It makes him question what exactly it is that moved Taeil to save him and choose him to be his bodyguard. He´d mentioned Taeyong´s bravery but that had been about it. Taeil is no moron. Whatever the reason he´d made this decision, it´s a lot greater than Taeyong knows. Right now, all he has is a splinter of the whole truth.

“I´m gonna be honest with you.” Yuta continues, “I don´t think you´re the gun-kind of guy, so I´d recommend focusing on classic weapons and combat training. You´re lean and I bet with enough training you can be pretty fast, that´s to your advantage. If you´re obsessed about it though, we can focus on firearms, it´s your choice.”

Taeyong is quick to deny with a shake of his head, “No! I mean… I trust you with, uh… your judgement, so no firearms.”

Yuta laughs and it´s so bright, Taeyong feels like tagging along, “Okay, okay. No guns then. You´ll still have to learn how to aim though.”

Taeyong nods his head. As long as he wouldn´t be an expert on firearms, he´s fine with whatever Yuta chooses. Truth be told, he might be a bit traumatized by the happenings of the past day. Just looking at the several machine guns and pistols on the wall makes him want to throw up. It triggers the memories. He doesn´t ever want to touch a firearm again, if he can avoid it.

There´s another reason for his decision though. There´s no denying that a firearm is made for easy killing. One can have a body drop to the floor from a safe distance of however far they´re able to aim. It´s wicked, really. With just one pull of the trigger, a heart can stop beating. The possibilities of a gun are almost narrowed down to ultimate and lasting damage. If Taeyong can master something duller, like a pair of nun chucks, he thinks avoiding murder could be a lot easier. He doesn´t want to kill. And avoiding that is going to prove itself a lot more difficult with a firearm than a stick.

“I want to learn how to take down enemies” Taeyong says and Yuta´s eyebrows shoot up in surprise, “without killing them.”

Yuta musters him, his eyes unreadable. Then, he gives Taeyong a pat on the shoulder and nods his head, “Then we better get to work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after having procrastinated a good amount, I´m finally here, to update this piece! ｀;:゛;｀;･(°ε° ) [Scaled, little secrets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22992691/chapters/54971272) is now officially complete and published, so there is nothing that will distract me from coming out with this one! 
> 
> Ahh you guys, the joy!!! I´m working on a Markhyuck coming off age story, named **Pink sweater** and it´s just– Let´s just say I can´t wait for you guys to read it, once I finished it and I sincerely hope you will enjoy it TUT 
> 
> How have you guys been? What do you think about the story? Almost seems to me like Taeil might not be a completely cold-hearted monster after all! (≧◡≦)
> 
> See u next time!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this far! 
> 
> I hope that I will get to update soon again and that you liked it this far! Please leave a comment to share your thoughts, I´m always happy to know what my readers think about my stories! <3 
> 
> Till the next time! XOXO <3


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